Escaping the Box
Feb. 22nd, 2025 06:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
citrakayahFor the longest time, I viewed myself as "masculine by way of inertia." It wasn't like "man" was something I clung to strongly, but it was what everyone else said I was and I was fine enough with it that, despite growing up knowing many trans and nonbinary people, I didn't feel that I was one. But in my interpersonal interactions online, I came off as androgynous enough (or at least my name did) that people would assume I was a woman. I have usually found this hilarious and rather liked people not being able to tell.
There was always some part of me that wasn't fully comfortable with masculinity, or at least its stereotypical format. I liked jewelry and shaving. Despite having progressive parents I stopped wearing jewelry; I kept shaving my face but only shaved my legs once. It wasn't even over any harassment. I was masculine because of inertia, I therefore did masculine things, and I didn't feel strongly enough about those to keep it up.
But as I've gotten older, what started out as an inoffensive box has grown more cramped as I find that I have a certain affinity for appearing androgynous. I like the pointed, narrow features. While I wouldn't mind fur I don't like body hair (it's too curly). I can't really pull off the appearance (I have too much body hair and not enough normal hair), unfortunately.
Being nonbinary would be the obvious conclusion. The problem is that when I look back, a large part of my discomfort wasn't just because I was put in the wrong box, it was because I was put in a box at all. And I'm not sure how to integrate a desire to escape this framework entirely. I like the idea of appearing androgynous, but while online that's as easy as using my theriotype as a profile picture and not specifying gender, offline that's done through fitting into people's ideas of what a stereotypical nonbinary person looks like. And while I don't entirely mind that image, it's still a box.
There was always some part of me that wasn't fully comfortable with masculinity, or at least its stereotypical format. I liked jewelry and shaving. Despite having progressive parents I stopped wearing jewelry; I kept shaving my face but only shaved my legs once. It wasn't even over any harassment. I was masculine because of inertia, I therefore did masculine things, and I didn't feel strongly enough about those to keep it up.
But as I've gotten older, what started out as an inoffensive box has grown more cramped as I find that I have a certain affinity for appearing androgynous. I like the pointed, narrow features. While I wouldn't mind fur I don't like body hair (it's too curly). I can't really pull off the appearance (I have too much body hair and not enough normal hair), unfortunately.
Being nonbinary would be the obvious conclusion. The problem is that when I look back, a large part of my discomfort wasn't just because I was put in the wrong box, it was because I was put in a box at all. And I'm not sure how to integrate a desire to escape this framework entirely. I like the idea of appearing androgynous, but while online that's as easy as using my theriotype as a profile picture and not specifying gender, offline that's done through fitting into people's ideas of what a stereotypical nonbinary person looks like. And while I don't entirely mind that image, it's still a box.
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Date: 2025-02-27 07:52 am (UTC)'tramway' (tram) is feminine in Czech but masculine in Ukrainian and Russian, and nobody knows why. 'Ambulance' is of feminine gender in all 3, 'window' is of neutral gender in all 3, 'moon' is masculine in Czech and Ukrainian but feminine in Russian. And also nobody knows why.