Input: Not sure if there's a smoother way to balance facts/science with your behavior/experiences, but something about the way it is now seemed choppy to me. It could also be that I'm not at top capacity at the end of the day, but it seemed to flip-flop too dramatically in tone between "Facts about cheetahs," and "I like doing X things." Fussy input: "Motionless claws" seems like an out-of-place/too abstract title since you do not mention claws in the essay even once. I understand that the motionless claws of the cheetah make it unique, but since there is nothing mentioned about them in the essay itself, I don't think it's a solid enough link to merit the title.
Non-critique mode: I relate very strongly to wanting to be living very closely among chosen family. I do not leave the company of my roommates and especially my partner when I don't have to; I almost never desire to be alone in a way that is separate from them. At most I might want to go into another room and hear everyone else from a small distance, but usually the "within sight/hearing" is my preferred mode.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2013-07-05 02:26 am (UTC)Not sure if there's a smoother way to balance facts/science with your behavior/experiences, but something about the way it is now seemed choppy to me. It could also be that I'm not at top capacity at the end of the day, but it seemed to flip-flop too dramatically in tone between "Facts about cheetahs," and "I like doing X things."
Fussy input:
"Motionless claws" seems like an out-of-place/too abstract title since you do not mention claws in the essay even once. I understand that the motionless claws of the cheetah make it unique, but since there is nothing mentioned about them in the essay itself, I don't think it's a solid enough link to merit the title.
Non-critique mode:
I relate very strongly to wanting to be living very closely among chosen family. I do not leave the company of my roommates and especially my partner when I don't have to; I almost never desire to be alone in a way that is separate from them. At most I might want to go into another room and hear everyone else from a small distance, but usually the "within sight/hearing" is my preferred mode.