citrakayah: (Default)
2030-05-02 05:45 pm
Entry tags:

[sticky entry] Sticky: Journal Rules

Notes on the Journal:

1. Most of my entries don’t have warnings for potentially disturbing content. I generally save those for things that are in the upper echelon of disturbing. If I’m venting about something stupid Rick Santorum said, for example, that will not get a warning. If I’m talking about sexual harassment in anything but the most vague terms, that will get a warning. So if you see one of them, take it very seriously.

This is current policy as of April 2012, and may change in the future, especially if someone asks me to change it, in which case I will.
2. There are three filters: general access, high access, and fiction. General access is where I say stuff that I don’t want showing up on a Google search engine or being found by someone I know in real life. Quite a lot of stuff falls under here, since a lot of what I say could be traced back to me. It’s also where I talk about things I don’t feel completely comfortable sticking up for all the world to see.

High access is where I put things that I really don’t feel comfortable about, such as various mental trauma that I’ve had to deal with and refuse to go into detail about here, or the nasty details of my head. If you want to be added to the filter, message me, and if I know you well enough I’ll probably add you.

Fiction is where I stick fiction. It is almost never used, because usually I forget to stick fiction under it. Message me to be added, and you will be unless I know that you’re someone who posts other people’s work and takes credit for it. My Music of the Spheres stories are free to be reposted at will if I am credited. The Wanderer’s Library stories are also free to be posted at will if I am credited, unless the Wanderer’s Library site has an even more free copyright license. DotV may not be posted anywhere else; I plan on getting it published someday. Assume that the same applies for everything else.
3. All essays may be posted anywhere if I am given credit for it. In fact, all may consider themselves invited to post my essays in other locations if I am given credit.
4. My art may not be posted anywhere else without my explicit permission. It is evidence of my identity--not in the hands of someone who knows me only on the Internet, but in the hands of someone who knows me off the net. If people in my real life discover my online life, there is a good chance that I will suffer. I will explicitly state if this is not the case, and you can expect that it almost never will be so.

Notes on me:

1. I am slightly paranoid. This means that if I say something that I’m afraid will make other people dislike/fear/hate me, and people’s behavior seems to be confirming this, I will freak out, curl up in a small ball in my bed, and go through the emotional equivalent of a nosedive. If something I write has the effect to either make you dislike/fear/hate me, or a lesser version of one of those, please tell me. I’m not going to be terribly upset; I’ve dealt with much, much worse from people I was close to, and what’s not said has a far greater effect over me than what is said.
2. Once I’ve started a thread of conversation, I tend to have an inclination to continue it. That applies both to debates/arguments and to pleasant conversations about the weather or something similarly inane. If you say something in response to me, I am going to feel obligated, on a certain level, to say something in response. The same but worse is true of debates/arguments; I will not cease until the person I am talking to ceases to reply, we reach an agreement, I am told to knock it off, or one of us cedes victory. This can and has make a debate/argument drag on for months. If you get tired of something like that, again, tell me to knock it off and I will.
3. Despite, or perhaps because of, the various psychological damages that I’ve gone through, it’s relatively hard to emotionally trigger me. I feel relatively little emotion, and that which I do is generally a mere echo, unless it’s overwhelming emotional pain and emptiness, in which case I feel it just fine. The few things that can produce severe emotional reactions usually don’t do so twice, as well.
citrakayah: (Default)
2017-09-01 04:20 pm
Entry tags:

Move Me Twice, Shame on Me

About a week ago I moved back to Carbondale for college. This worked out less well than I'd hoped, since I was assigned to share a room with someone who had a dog. I could deal with the dog at least in theory, but the cat who I was bringing with me could not.

So I got moved downstairs with three other people, where I immediately discovered that the kitchen was not sanitary for preparing food, and that I was sharing the place with someone my mother happily decided was a "bookish law student." Over the course of a week he proved to be anything but, as in addition to leaving the caps from his beer bottles out on the porch, he cursed us out for complaining to management about the mess in the kitchen, and eventually decided that he was an "alpha male" who should not have to deal with the "beta male" (me) "getting in his face."

So I got moved again, this time to a three bedroom unit, with two people I actually get along with--they also get along with the cat. Thank goodness.

Laptop is currently broken, so I'm using public computers until it gets fixed. Don't know how long that will be.

First lab meeting is next week on Friday. I'm definitely looking forward to it--I miss being able to help with research.
citrakayah: (Default)
2017-07-20 04:28 pm

(no subject)

I have not been well.

For the past ten years or so, I have been on SSRIs to combat depression. They've started losing effectiveness, and while I don't know when that process started, I'm guessing it was last year. Doing almost anything often feels difficult, and actually thinking deeply or introspecting tends to hurt. All I can think of is death, rot, and the slow strangulation of everything I care about. Certainly at this point I've concluded that most of the biodiversity of the world is going to go extinct.

I love watching nature documentaries, but at this point... they're a form of escapism. A way of thinking about how things might have been, had we not fucked up the planet.

So I'm going off the SSRIs. I don't know what long-term effects I'll suffer, but at this point I feel like I don't have that much to lose, not in the grand scheme of things. Almost anything seems better than just kind of drifting along, though I suppose I might just think that because of my present situation.

Long term, I'm pretty sure I need to rebuild my relationships and reintegrate myself into the communities I've sort of dropped out of... but I don't think that's going to be very easy.
citrakayah: (Default)
2016-11-13 02:05 am

(no subject)

Well, this isn't the morning, though to be fair what just happened last night... well, it was rather dramatic. To those of you living under a rock, A) Trump won and B) can I join you?

In any event, over the past few months I've increasingly realized that, should I accomplish my dream and become a scientist, many of the species and communities I study will become extinct. I am, therefore, faced with the certainty that segments of the subject I've devoted my life to will disappear before my eyes.

This realization drove me into a funk I still haven't gotten out of completely, so if I'm coming across as way more misanthropic than normal, that's one of the main reasons why. It's hard to like humanity as a whole when it does things like that, and it's hard to like yourself when you're complicit in it.

On the plus side, I've managed to remain on top of my school work--mostly. Aside from normal classes, I'm currently still working on that fish study from the summer. I'm also taking a ceramics class and trying to fold zoology into the work I'm doing for that.
citrakayah: (determined)
2016-11-08 05:01 pm
Entry tags:

Burn It Down

Well, one way or the other, the nightmare that is this election will end tonight. Unfortunately, our nightmare will probably only begin.

I'm not going to be watching the election, both because I'll be in ceramics class at the time and because they don't allow alcohol in the dorms--and I'd desperately need it, because no matter who wins I don't want to confront the implications while sober.

I am worried that Trump supporters might commit violence if he doesn't win (and even if he does win, for that matter). I don't think Clinton supporters would, though if they think Trump can actually do what they think he will, it'll be interesting to see what sort of tactics they think are justified.

I'd be a little less pissy about them, as a group, if they hadn't raised money for a firebombed GOP office. Condemn violence against fascists or not, raising money so they can better organize to pass bigoted legislation seems a *little weird*.

It's been a while since I posted; I'll post an update explaining why later today or tomorrow morning. My apologies for my absence.
citrakayah: (Default)
2016-07-17 11:21 pm

On the Baton Rouge Shooting

Here we go again.

Expect next to nobody to pay attention to the police brutality that took place there over the coming weeks as the nation collectively condemns violence (while allowing police to commit it unchecked).

I swear to the gods, this country sometimes...

Oh, and you know those body cameras reformers are making noise about, like they'll seriously help the issue?

Police departments are already trying to make it so they're one more tool for police to use, rather than a tool for their victims.

Fuck it.
citrakayah: (Default)
2016-07-13 02:39 pm

(no subject)

Summer is going well so far; I actually have work experience now. Currently I'm not being paid because the university has no money because Certain Individuals Who Shall Not Be Named defunded Illinois (university budget is getting slashed by 40%, IIRC). Everyone's pretty pissed about it.

My internship itself is pretty awesome. Right now we're doing an experiment to determine how heavy metal pollutants affect fish larva survival if nighttime cooling is eliminated. The fact that some of the fish die is pretty horribe, but the survivors are released after their most vunerable stage and I'm hopeful the data will be of use to bluegill populations.

There have been a couple BLM demonstrations recently, and there's one scheduled for tonight. At one of them some asshole tried to run a protestor over and carried them a good few hundred feet before stopping. That particular asshole currently has a smelly car and got punched.

I'm going to the one tonight.
citrakayah: (Default)
2016-05-27 11:30 pm


Well, the end of the school year was impressively hectic--more than last year, I feel. Lot of things all happening at once; I'm taking summer courses and working over the summer. Trying to find work, anyway; the work I have now isn't exactly a steady job, though the pay is good.

I'm clearing, or was clearing, out the basement of a house. It's gross and all--less a basement than a foundation, I guess, with rotten burnt wood and mud everywhere. It's very unpleasant, but it's something, and I earned pretty good money doing it. Now I'm working on roofing, or will be in about half a week. It looks like that will be a much more pleasant job (many things would be a more pleasant job).

Meanwhile, I'm looking forward to being back in Carbondale for summer classes. The anarchist infoshop will be active during the summer, and they'll be trying to channel the energy from the aftermath of the protest into more activities.
citrakayah: (Default)
2016-04-21 01:27 am


In many respects, I think I was better off two years ago than I am today. Academics and General Life Skills are the obvious exceptions; two years ago I was still an architecture major and barely knew how live by myself.

That being said, it often feels like in terms of my social circles, things have only gotten worse. In part that's because, for some reason, I've grown less social among my peers over the past few years. That isn't only online. Offline too, I've had a harder time going to RSO meetings and public events. I rarely go out of my room aside from going to classes, or going to eat or do errands. Even the latter I'll avoid if I can.

It's not healthy, and I know it, but I do it anyway.

It's also a vicious cycle. If I don't participate in a community, I feel like my absence is noticed. And out of guilt, I avoid the community. I guess I'm too cowardly to engage with my fears of being seen as a poor friend, or an unreliable community member.

But it also seems like many of the communities I was part of are slowly fading away. Some of the RPs I was part of dissolved, or fell completely inactive. The therian community often feels like it's entered a long, slow heat death. I haven't heard that much from the herpetology or zoology club on campus. Even if I was still part of the architecture club, I don't think they're meeting anymore.

And I hate it, but I don't know what to do about it anymore. Sometimes it feels like we're content to slowly die out. Everything's being displaced by Tumblr and Reddit and Twitter, I guess.

If you try to boil a frog, it will notice. I'm not sure we do.
citrakayah: (Default)
2016-02-23 01:30 am

(no subject)

Life is good. I've been back at college for a while now, and have gotten back into the swing of the semester, so to speak. I'm getting along well with my professors, which is good--and it's nice to talk to other people who are skeptical of the most fundamental aspects of the current system, or are at least sympathetic to that skepticism.

I don't want to change society anymore. These days I want to see it ripped down. Not because every manifestation of it is horrible, but because I think the central ideas it's built on (the profit motive, the separation of humans from animals, a legacy of imperialism, unsustainable practices) are corrupt. Treating the symptoms can make people's lives better, but it won't fix all the problems caused by those central ideas.

It wouldn't be the end of civilization, which realistically isn't going anywhere. But civilization as we know it would still be smashed.

I've also been getting involved in some local ecological activism/remediation. The lake at campus is heavily polluted, and I'd like to see that changed.
citrakayah: (Default)
2016-01-05 05:59 pm


This wat, specifically, which we had for New Year's along with injera bread. If you prepare enough, it's a megawat. Hopefully we'll be able to make it more often; previously we haven't been able to get a hold of teff flour.
citrakayah: (Default)
2015-12-24 08:52 pm

Home for the Winter

Fall semester is over. Classes went very well, to the point where I'm eligible to get back on Honor Roll. Next semester I'll be taking nearly all biology/zoology courses, which I can only hope goes as well as it did this semester. Right now I'm trying to get into a herpetology seminar--one that's normally not for undergrads--but I should be able to get in as soon as an override can be issued.

All my professors were competent this semester, even if I was frustrated by the English professor's insistence that splitting infinitives was grammatically incorrect.

Saw The Force Awakens. It was good, but drew pretty heavily from the original trilogy, and I think that weakens it. Even if they had to, for some reason, recycle the "destroy a giant superweapon before it destroys us" they could've at least not made it just a bigger Death Star. And the way it operates is just absurd, as is the fact that the weapon firing is visible on the random planets the heroes are on.

And people say Star Trek doesn't make sense.

I tried alcohol for the first time recently. Hated it--I tried two fairly sweet red wines, but the taste of alcohol was just too much. I think I managed to get tipsy off just a few sips, too, though that might have been a combination of placebo and drinking on an empty stomach. And I'm a lightweight.

I'm pretty sure Pumpkin had more of a tolerance for alcohol than I do. Silly cat would try to stick his face into beer glasses whenever he got the opportunity.

Missed Hannukah, unfortunately. So no latkes and gambling for me. I did get to Skype my parents, though.
citrakayah: (Default)
2015-11-29 12:18 am

Update 11/29/2015

Had my birthday party last night. Cake was chocolate with blueberries. I got to be back home over the Thanksgiving break, which was nice--spent time hanging out with my family and a certain raccoon. Not to mention the cats, who were delighted at the return of a fellow cat! I'll be heading back tomorrow at 8:00 a.m.

Classes are nearly over, but going well; I'll try to update on them soon. Just a few more weeks and then it's winter break. Don't know exactly what I'll be doing for that; I'll try to find a job but I don't know what that might be, or if I'll manage to find one.

I tried to participate in National Novel Writing Month but couldn't. Guess my sense of inspiration is basically dead. I'm tired a lot of the time, and when I do write it's usually RP for Kaerwyn, which is eating up a lot more time than I'd like it to.
citrakayah: (Default)
2015-10-31 01:35 pm

I Am Beginning To Lose My Patience

The window in my dorm is stuck open, and will not close. Tomorrow it will be November, and it is getting cold and windy and I'm pretty sure bugs are getting in through the window.

About a month ago, I contacted the college to let them know the window needed to be fixed. Someone showed up, said that they'd fix it... and then no one fixed it. Then a week ago the RA sent in a report... and so far, nothing.

And now the damn thing is getting blown open and (nearly) shut, making lots of noise.
citrakayah: (Default)
2015-10-16 02:31 pm

(no subject)

I need to post here more often.

So, I got to visit home recently, for a few days, which was nice. The cats were certainly happy to see their fellow cat, and I got to play with them. Don't know if I've mentioned it before, but we have a new kitten named Sheba; she's really tiny and is probably going to stay that way forever. Lately our adopted cats haven't grown as much as they used to.

At college there seems to be a lull in schoolwork intensity, which hopefully I can take advantage of. It's getting colder down here, but not so cold that everything is starting to die or hibernate. I can still see lots of turtles, and I've seen muskrat and wood ducks around. Hopefully the cold is going to kill some of the algae that's choking the lake.

And that's pretty much all I can think of, though I'm sure there'd be more if I wasn't waiting for the dining hall to open, because it still opens at fucking 11:00. Fuck.
citrakayah: (Default)
2015-09-05 01:35 pm
Entry tags:

In Which A Cat Returns to Cat College To Study Catology

I'm back at college now, and getting back into the routine. Not that that's always easy, but I'm doing a better job of it than last year... I hope.

Have five classes--Animal Diversity, Alternative Media in Diverse Society, Intermediate Analytical Writing, Principles of Genetics, and Chemistry--most of which I think are going fairly well. So far the subject matter seems fairly straightforward in all of them, with one exception.

That exception is Alternative Media, which has more jargon than seems necessary, which also raises the question of why COMMUNICATIONS majors have textbooks which seem indecipherable, and which seem to use far more complicated language than is actually necessary. I have this textbook by this Chris Atton person which is incredibly dense. The other textbook appears to be easier to understand, thankfully.

Of course, it may be that it's a 200 level course and I didn't take a 100 level course in the same class grouping (Speech Communication 101 was similar though, I suppose). In any event, if I run into major problems, I predict they'll be coming from that course.

For Animal Diversity I will apparently have to do dissections, but I'll live--unless I faint and break my neck on the way down, but that's unlikely. I really don't buy the rationale behind it, since I just don't see how this is actually necessary, but I don't have any real choice. And the instructor (and the TA, who's in charge of the lab) doesn't either.
citrakayah: (Default)
2015-08-01 09:45 pm

To Clear Up Misunderstandings

Coyote Jones was kind enough to notify me that she was going to take Skype drama to her blog. Therefore, I'll provide the following documents.

I have lost any respect for you. Not that I had much to begin with because you keep harping on about the situation with mobius and how I was "way over the line".

You don't even know the full situation, yet you and the others ganged up on me. Not cool. Seriously, and with sincerity, go fuck yourself, you narcissistic wannabe guru. Don't let the door hit your ego on the way out.

You victim-blaming troll. YOU, of all people, try to assert dominance over me? LOL. I will never, ever think well of you. I never have. When I found your DW profile last year, I thought, oh, what bullshit. So it is today.

Fuck you. Up the ass with broken glass.

I'm blocking you, power-hungry troll. Good riddance.

Swiftpaw, Quil, and WatchingWolf could easily tear you a new one. They don't need the were community, and neither do I. 90% of you are full of shit. You can't see it because your eyes and throat are clogged with shit. You live, breathe, and swim in shit. You are shit.

I'm copying and pasting everything to my blog, as always. Enjoy.

And go fuck yourself.

The former is the Skype log. The latter is a PM she sent to me on the Werelist.
citrakayah: (Default)
2015-07-31 11:08 am

A Note On Avast

Apparently some people still have problems with Avast blocking the Werelist. This is despite the fact that Avast was contacted about this issue, and a full site audit found no malware. In short, Avast is pissed about the host, and will block any webpage hosted by the Werelist's host. I don't know why, but they are.
citrakayah: (Default)
2015-07-18 12:51 pm
Entry tags:

In Case Anyone Hasn't Noticed

There Werelist has been successfully updated! New features include:

* Blogs. You can set privacy features, too, so only people you want to can see your blog.
* Content Management System. You can submit awesome articles and whatnot.
* A (soon-to-be) functional Weremap, which can help in planning howls and whatnot.
* Other stuff

So I encourage everyone to check it out, and spread the news.
citrakayah: (Default)
2015-06-27 10:03 am


In case anyone doesn't know, the site is getting upgraded today, and may be down at times.

But when it comes up we'll get a workable Weremap, a content management systems, blogs, and more.